How to buy a multi generational home

There is definitely a list of lifestyle and design features that should be considered when building or repurposing a home to meet the needs of multi-generations under one roof. A multi-generational home has at least three generations of family members. (Actually some analysts consider 2 adult generations under one roof a multi-generational home.) The challenge when planning a multi-generational home is to address the differences in habits, desires, taste and potential tensions between individuals or sub-families spanning a cross section of generations.

According to the National Association of Realtors statistics, 14% of recent home buyers bought a home for multi-generational use. PEW Research (a non-partisan think tank that informs the public about attitudes and trends shaping America and the world) indicates that there has been a steady rise in multi-generational living over the last three decades.

Multi generational living is making a comeback for several reasons. The combination of aging baby boomers, boomerang children moving back home, and millennials delaying marriage provides a demand for family friendly housing options. Also, our population is facing longer life spans and shrunken assets. Additionally, Latin American and Asian immigrants are comfortable living in multigenerational situations, just as most cultures were in times past.

My own household is multi-generational. My mom moved in with my husband and I after my dad died. Originally it was financially driven but over the years it has benefitted all of us. One of the main reasons is our respect for each others privacy. My mom has a room large enough for her treasures and she has her own bathroom. She can walk to daily Mass and cook meals when she wants. We usually all meet up for breakfast and dinner but spend the rest of the day doing our own thing. Our house had become the main gathering spot for family even before my dad died so now my mom can join in the planning and preparation for family parties. We are diametrically opposite in many of our political and social views but we have learned to listen to each other but not argue. If you want to call this a white elephant in the room, go ahead, but it keeps our household happy.

Good communication, respect and flexibility

So where does a family start when considering purchasing or designing a multi-generational home. There are 3 essentials to making a multigenerational household work: communication, flexibility and respect.

Remember the old adage “Respect your elders”? To keep the flow going in multi-generational households every individual needs to be treated with respect. Each adult involved needs to be an equal partner from the start, regardless of finances or familial status (in-law for example). Adult children deserve to be treated as an adult. If there are grandchildren involved, the parents are responsible for the discipline without interference from the grandparents. This needs to be made clear in the beginning.

Good communication is key in all relationships but even more so in multi-generational communal living environment. There are multiple reasons and benefits for more than one generation in a household. The reasons, advantages and disadvantages should be discussed with everyone from the beginning. No holding back on wants, needs and expectations in the family meetings. Being grateful for the time together and talking about the pros of the situation will contribute to the household happiness.

Flexibility is another vital element to a happy and successful lifestyle for more than one generation under one roof. The floor plan and the people should have some give.

Implementing Systems to Make It Work

After reading through many books and articles on this subject, I found the tips in MoneyCrashers to be one of the best for the basic rules of making a multi-generational family work.
Set Boundaries. Do it early. If you don’t want the grandparents disciplining the children, make it clear at the beginning. If certain parts of the house are off limits at times, make sure it is talked about at the beginning. Grandparents, parents and children should be informed early on as to what’s appropriate and expected. Knowing the expectations with regard to overall diet, access to snacks, TV shows, activities and bedtimes keeps everyone on track and relieves some of the stress, drama and hurt feelings that can easily happen in a large household.
Make Room/Privacy. It’s not the amount of space that matters as much as the respect for independence and privacy. If the grandparents need space, make sure the kids know that the grandparents space is off-limits at certain times. If your home is too small to accommodate a private space for everyone, schedule private time for each member of the household.
Chores and Costs. Everyone in the household has a responsibility. Splitting the mortgage, utilities and chores is one of the benefits of communal living. Divvying up the cooking, cleaning, laundry and outdoor maintenance can be fun. We did that when I was growing up. I was terrible at cleaning so I usually did some yard work while my sisters cleaned the house. Setting up a household schedule can be helpful.
Connect as a Family. It’s great to have grandparents and parents living under the same roof but it is also important that the parents and children have some time with each other also. And ditto the grandparents and the grandchildren. Carve out “date nights” with each group and together.
Pick Your Battles. Living with other adult family and in-laws is guaranteed to bring up issues. Before you complain out loud, ask yourself if it is worth the battle.
Be Respectful. Everyone has their own way of doing things, some of them may be quirky as far as you’re concerned. Take the time to observe how certain people do things and either adjust your ways or discuss irritation issues before they get out of hand.
Set a Routine. A routine helps everyone coordinate schedules and work around engagements and responsibilities, especially if the grandparents are expected to do babysitting.
Set Your Priorities. The kids welfare is generally the priority of both parents and grandparents. Hurt feelings and miscommunications can cause some relationship issues, but if the welfare of the kids is the highest priority that is where the focus should be.
Be Grateful. Multi-generational households only work with a high degree of mutual respect, communication and gratitude for the blessings of an extended family living situation. Have fun and treasure the time. Make memories.